A joke a day...

[Corran Antilles]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...


....the other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[Tacita Darklighter]

LOL

[Darth Sythis]

:banghead

[Ynnek Rellim]

LOL, god, that took me longer than it should have....

[Samantha Koortyn]

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar
for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long
tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was
tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the
city's problems.

Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, "Listen
sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I
like a drink or two That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I
idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer
my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various
charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I
apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that
all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a sweeping
statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my
lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout
nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One
drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside
the person."

"Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of
the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person
rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a
curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this!"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my
tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out
to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the
bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could
you put one of them in this tin cup please?"

The bartender sighed and asked,
"Is that nun out there again?"

[Corran Antilles]

LOL

[Samantha Koortyn]

WELCOME TO THE PSYCHOLOGY CLINIC HELPLINE:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are passive-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you are codependent, please press 2 for the passive-dependent person.
If you are manic-depressive, press 0 gently, then 9 hard, then 0 gently, then 9 hard.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7 followed by ####.
If you have borderline personality disorder, press 8 for help, then hang up. Call back immediately raging about being ignored. Then began crying and apologize profusely for losing your temper. Repeat process.
If you are paranoid or delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line and we'll trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer

[Jovanowski]

:fighter

[Corran Antilles]

Welcome to Tales.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Howdy.

[Corran Antilles]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the Jaguar. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[Corran Antilles]

One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost. Bush saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country?" Bush asked.

"Go to the theater," replied Abe.

[Split Infinity]

Cloud City

"No, how can you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?" Luke shouted at the dark form of his father.

Lord Vader leaned in closer and hissed into the young boy's ear, "I felt your presents..."

<img border=0 src="http://corran-antilles.privat.t-online.de/Tales/emoticons/vader.gif" />

[Samantha Koortyn]

argh...

[Corran Antilles]

Finally there's somebody who tells worse jokes than I ;)

[Corran Antilles]

Seen in a local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.

Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

[Corran Antilles]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Corran Antilles]

Some people are like slinkies,
Not really good for anything,
But they still bring a smile to your face
When you push them down a flight of stairs.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Yeah that rules.

[Corran Antilles]

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Corran Antilles]

"Can I borrow that book of yours 'How To Become A Millionaire'?"
"Sure. Here you are."
"Thanks - but half the pages are missing."
"What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?"

[Augustus Malevolyn]

meh.... lol

[Crash Shockrider]

How to get out of a speeding ticket:

A cop pulls a man over for going 60 MPH in a 50 MPH zone. The cop gets out and heads to the speeder's car. "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

The man responds, "Not really, sir."

The cop then explains that he was speeding and asks for his registration and insurance information.

"Sure officer, let me just check the middle compartment here."

After a moment of searching, the man turns to the cop and says, "That's right, the cocaine is there! Not my registration!"

The cop instinctively puts his hand on his gun and says, "Sir, I need you to give me your insurance information and registration...now."

The driver happily complies and says while reaching for his glove compartment, "Sure, it must be in here. Let me just get the guns out of the way first."

At this point the cop panics and draws his gun, "Sir, open up the trunk, I'm going to search the car."

The driver shrugs and pops the trunk. Before the cop can move, the man then says, "Sure, officer, just be careful with those dead bodies."

The cop finally freaks, tells the man to stay put, and calls for backup. When a second cop arrives, he gets out and goes up to the driver. "SIr, my friend there says you have cocaine, weapons, and corpses in the car. Could you please step out?"

The driver acts confused, but does what he's told. After an extensive search, the second cop once again approaches the driver. "Sir, I sincerely appologize. After a search, I couldn't find any of the drugs, guns, or bodies that my partner phoned in."

The driver acted shocked and said, "He said what?! I bet you the jerk said I was speeding, too!"

[Augustus Malevolyn]

LOL

[Wen_Mernde]

hahahaha....thats a good one!

[Corran Antilles]

Vintners in the Napa Valley area of California, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape which acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected this will reduce the number of trips elderly men have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be shortly marketed in the UK under the trade name of Pinot More.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Q : How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[Corran Antilles]

LOL I love that.

[Split Infinity]

Here's three women ones and one longer one:

Q: How many womens rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Trick question. They can't change anything.

***

Q: When's the only time a woman is above a man?

A: When the kitchen is upstairs.

***

Q: Why can't women ski?

A: Because there's no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

***

So there was a bear and a rabbit lost in a forest. They had been travelling for days and days, and were about to give up when a genie appeared. The genie said he would grant each of them three wishes.

The bear went first. "I wish that all the other bears in the world were female..." and *POOF* the genie granted his wish.

Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a motorcycle helmet." he requested. *POOF*, the rabbit had a shiny black helmet.

The bear went again. "Just to make sure it worked, I want to wish that all the other bears are female again.." he said warily. *POOF*

"I wish for a motorcycle," the rabbit said for his second wish. *POOF*

"Hmmm..." the bear mused, "I wish they were all attractive too!" he finally decided for his third wish. *POOF*

The rabbit was strapping on his helmet, and he turned to the genie and said, "I wish the bear was gay," and rode off into the sunset.

[Corran Antilles]

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

[Han Antilles]

Heh!

Well, since I am Mexican, I can tell this joke:

Q: What does a fat woman and a pile of bricks have in common?

A: They both get laid by Mexicans.

*waits for cricket sounds*

[Silus]

A son was talking to his mother. "I'm getting married, mother."

"Really? When do I get to meet her?"

The son replied, "Later today at dinner. I will be bring three women with me, and you will have to guess which one I'm marrying."

After dinner, everyone had left and the son asked, "So which one do you think it is?"

"The one who sat to your left," said his mother.

"Amazing! How did you know?"

"I didn't like her."

[Dacen Valm]

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

[Augustus Malevolyn]

Lmao!

[Corran Antilles]

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

[Empress Evonthalia]

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."



*Chokes and dies of laughter*

Sure wasn't expecting that. LOL

[Samantha Koortyn]

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Jude]

HAHAHA, that is hilarious.

[Corran Antilles]

LOL Great!

[Dacen Valm]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the
water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on
the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the
spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it
for it is my body." He did not say
" Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Corran Antilles]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Marcus Brigstocke

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

Chris Addison

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Patrick Monahan

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh***ing herself.

Colin & Fergus

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.

Jeremy Limb

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Mark Watson

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".

The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"

The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

Steven Alan Green

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

Norman Lovett


If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.

Milton Jones

[Jude]

LOL. Those are great.

[Jerva Kutac]

Bumper stickers:

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

Invest in America: Buy a Congressman

Flying Saucers are real. The Air Force doesn't exist.

A politician should do two terms, one in office, and one in jail.

[Corran Antilles]

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the coffee shop or a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you go and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold.

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "I know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and saddle shoes, she announces she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts her out while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a wink at Harold.

20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: Damn it, Mum! It's The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

[Cyan Madine]

*facepalm*

[Corran Antilles]

A electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer are riding in the same car. Suddenly, the car breaks down and the engineers propose ideas to fix it.

The electrical engineer says that there may be a problem with the cars circuit, lets find broken links.

The chemical engineer says that maybe there is a fuel leak, lets find it.

Finally, the Microsoft engineer says: lets close all the windows, get out, and then get back in.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Haha, so true.

[Val'kia Navin]

:d

[Corran Antilles]

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Jude]

Heh.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Damn straight, now go take out the trash.

[Jude]

Yes my'lady.

[Alexandrea]

*makes whip noise*

[Yuri Ninx]

OW!

*whimper*

[Jerva Kutac]

Damn straight, now go take out the trash.

Yourworshipfulness, the garbage can is empty and I've already taken out the trash.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Sweet, thanks.

And we have a whip smilie. :whip

[Corran Antilles]

*builds at his Sam shrine* Better?

[Samantha Koortyn]

Another one? ;]

[Corran Antilles]

I'm just building it bigger and better!

[Han Antilles]

Oh brother.

*sits on the couch and watches TV*

Get me another ale, Sam. Make it quick this time.

[Yuri Ninx]

Dammit, I told you to stop calling me Sam!

[Han Antilles]

ROFL!

So where's my ale? I'm still waiting.

[Yuri Ninx]

Stupid Rogue Squadron bastard. Here's your damn ale.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Ha ha, it is to laugh.

[Han Antilles]

Where's my dinner, Sam? :p

[Corran Antilles]

Somebody will sleep on the sofa tonight.

[Yuri Ninx]

"What sort of person stabs a Rogue Squadron pilot thirty-six times?"

"He just keeps saying, 'Sam... Sam... I'll show you your Sam.'"

[Jude]

"So what's the story?"

"Someone mutilated this guy."

"Mutiilated? I see two arms and two legs."

[Samantha Koortyn]

:heh

[Jude]

"Yep, we found it couple metres away."

"Who would -- but.. why? It's so sick, I can't --"

"Take a break rookie."

[Val'kia Navin]

Wow! Look at the blood spatter patterns on the ceiling. They're almost...artistic.

Hey, that one looks like bird.

[Jude]

Birds? I see a spatters.

[Val'kia Navin]

Well if you connect the dots...

[Jude]

*Gets marks and attempts to connect*

..

*Throws marker out the window*

I have no time for this!!

[Corran Antilles]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for five years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here!"

[Jude]

Lol.

[Jerva Kutac]

"So what's the story?"

"Someone mutilated this guy."

"Mutiilated? I see two arms and two legs."

And I thought I had a morbid sense of humor. :rofl

[Jude]

Yeah, sad part about that, I've seen a situation like it before.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Ouch.

[Michael Askrima]

A situation where someone kept calling someone Sam?

[Jerva Kutac]

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then he says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Someone has stolen tent."

[Wen_Mernde]

hilarious!

[Corran Antilles]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

[Samantha Koortyn]

The last one is the best. :]

[Corran Antilles]

Things Not To Say During Childbirth....

-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

[Jerva Kutac]

The Oil Shortage...

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have
an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered
to check the oil. We just didn't know we were
getting low. The reason for that is purely
geographical.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma,
and Texas.



Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington D.C.

[Catharin Thayer]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."



And an apology to anyone who may be a manager. ;)

[Corran Antilles]

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[Samantha Koortyn]

Heh :]

[Jude]

Lol. Nice!

[Jerva Kutac]

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
The passenger said, "Who?"
The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."
The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood."
The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."
The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."
The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"
The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"

[Corran Antilles]

President Bush's morning security briefing is wrapping up. Donald Rumsfeld is concluding his part and says, "Finally, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday near Baghdad."

"OH MY GOD!" shrieks Bush, and he buries his head in his hands for a seemingly interminable 30 seconds. Stunned at the unexpected display of emotion, the president's staff sit speechless, not sure how to react.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks Rumsfeld, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Val'kia Navin]

*snort* Damn that's good.

[Corran Antilles]

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male."

[Catharin Thayer]

Since I lived in North Carolina for five years, I feel safe in posting this one. I apologize to anyone practicing to be a lawyer. ;)


A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Jerva Kutac]

"More problems for Karl Rove -- now he's accused of leaking the plot of the Harry Potter book." --Jay Leno

"I thought this was nice – earlier today Martha Stewart showed Karl Rove how to slip off an ankle monitor." --Jay Leno

[Corran Antilles]

A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.

"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor.

"Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?"

"Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard."

"Her legs!" exclained the doctor, appalled.

"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing.

"You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor.

"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the f**king jar open!"

[Ki Landau]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

[Davin Corros]

Oh man, the last two were just classic :D.

[Val'kia Navin]

Oooh good ones.

Corran's brings back memories though of my days as a lab tech. *shudder*

[Matheron Thayer]

Great ones, guys.. and gals. And here a nicey two-lina:

There's nothing worn under a Scotsman's kilt
- it's all in perfect working order.

[Corran Antilles]

A man was in a bar when a great looking woman walked in, dressed very daringly. He couldn't keep his eyes off her. She finally turned and said, " If you like, won't you see come talk to me?".

The embarrassed gentleman finally walked over and admitted that she was the hottest thing he has seen in a long time. The woman said "Well, thank you. If you want anything, just ask. No matter how strange or kinky, I will do it for $ 100.00. Only one thing, you have to say what you want me to do in three words."

The man thought for a second and then said, "Paint my house"

[Samantha Koortyn]

:smack

[Matheron Thayer]

Yea, that one is great.

[Samantha Koortyn]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some asshole's got my pen."

[Cyan Madine]

... I'm speechless.

[Val'kia Navin]

*snort*

I have GOT to tell that one in class next week.

[Corran Antilles]

*smirks*

[Matheron Thayer]

LOL. Poor ass.

__________
Young Sandy had been out for the evening with his best girl.
When he arrived home he found his father sitting up waiting for him.
The old man looked up and shook his head.

"Have you been out with that girl again?" he asked.

"Yes, dad," replied young Sandy. "Why do you look so worried?"

"I was just wondering how much the evening cost."

"No more than $5, dad."

"Well, that wasn't too bad."

"It was all she had, " said Sandy.

[Corran Antilles]

A man shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"
"Yes." replied the man.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.
"Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."

The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper please!"

[Jerva Kutac]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Corran Antilles]

He spent all his money on a sleek new Mercedes roadster and was out on the motorway for an evening cruise. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

'There's no way they can catch me,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, with the lights still behind him. 'What on earth am I doing?' he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence and examined it. 'Listen mate,' said the cop. 'I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!

'Last week my wife ran off with a cop,' the man said, 'and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!'

'Have a nice night', said the officer.

[Jerva Kutac]

Heaven is where the police are English, the cooks are French, the engineers are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss. In Hell, the police are German, the cooks are English, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

[Matheron Thayer]

LOL. Love the both of them, Corran and Jerva.

[Jerva Kutac]

I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rats in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's, ex-mother-in-law's, second husband's, cousin's, beautician!

[Val'kia Navin]

LMAO!!!

But it's all true!!!

[Jerva Kutac]

Medical Diagnosis


Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw
an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't
think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we
learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're
medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but
we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell
us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was also wrong."

[Val'kia Navin]

Good thing Zell hasn't been around.

She might give you a virtual smack for that one.

[Jerva Kutac]

Why? It's pretty damned funny.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you
will be afraid to cough.

[Val'kia Navin]

Because she's a med student...or a resident.

[Jerva Kutac]

Okay. I guess I won't make fun of any more doctors. :p

Does anyone mind if I make fun of Marines?

[Val'kia Navin]

Didn't say you ahd to stop. I make fun of doctors all the time. :p

Making fun of Marines though, might not be a smart thing.

But do it anyway.

[Jerva Kutac]

They're jarheads. They wouldn't get it anyway. :p

Everyone knows that I'm joining the National Guard. I checked into the Marines, but I decided I did not want to be a Marine, when the recruiter gave me this entrance exam:

MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
Name: _____________________________
Signature: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to? (check only one)
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
___ (f) Muslim
___ (g) Irish
___ (h) Buddhist
___ (i) Protestant
___ (j) Italian
___ (k) Southern Baptist

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (check only one)
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton (please print)
Bush : _________________________________________
Carter : _________________________________________
Clinton: _________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from? (check only one)
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky (clouds)

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (check only one)
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS (please print).

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges (check only one)?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Basic Math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

21. What Does the NAVY do? (check only one)
___ (a) Sail the seven seas and play with inflatable dolls
___ (b) Haul Marines to various fight locations around the world!

22. Who is the current President of the United States of America? (check only one)
___ (a) Usama bin Laden
___ (b) Jimmy Carter
___ (c) Ronald Reagan
___ (d) General George C, Patton
___ (e) Adolf Hitler
___ (f) GEORGE W. BUSH

23. Where do most Marines receive their basic training? (check only one)
___ (a) The White House
___ (b) Camp David
___ (c) Disneyland
___ (d) Nixon's Library
___ (e) Watergate Hotel
___ (f) Santa's Lodge at the North Pole
___ (g) Parris Island South Carolina

24. Joining the Marines is better than:
___ (a) Joining the Army, Air Force, Coast Guard, or Navy
___ (b) Having SEX

25. You are in a Bar and someone insults the Marine Corp., YOU should:
___ (a) Go home immediately and tell your Mother
___ (b) Follow tradition and kick the crap out of them

26. As a Marine you will be expected to:
___ (a) Die for your country
___ (b) Call your mommy when you get hurt

27. There are three (3) branches to the United States Government, they are (check only one):
___ (a) Executive, Legislative, and Judicial
___ (b) Army, Navy, Marines
___ (c) White, Black, and Hispanic
___ (d) Protestant, Jewish, and Catholic

28. D.I. stands for (check only one):
___ (a) Drill Instructor
___ (b)
___ (c) Down In
___ (d) D-Day Invasion

29. Advanced Math: You have one pound of Grapes. How many pounds of grapes do you have?


30. Underage Girls and Marines mean:
___ (a) Trouble
___ (b) Angry Fathers
___ (c) Shotgun Weddings
___ (d) Statutory Rape Charges unless your in the deep south
___ (e) All of the above



31. In war, I must (check as many as apply):
___ Kill the enemy, my creed will be one shot, one kill
___ Yell out, "Hey ya all want to surrender?"
___ Take NO Prisoners, kill them all, let God sort them out later


Test Notations:
* You must correctly answer five (5) or more questions to qualify.

* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.

* Cheating is not tolerated but may be overlooked if YOU currently have the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won the Mr. Universe Contest.

* If you brought your dog or horse with you, please don't bring it into the test room, tie it up outside.

[Corran Antilles]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

[Samantha Koortyn]

Heh, the stamp collector kills me.

[Corran Antilles]

Britain's favourite joke while the Second World War . . .

KNOCK Knock.

Who’s there?

Gestapo.

Gestapo who?

Ve vill ask ze questions.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Heh.

[Davin Corros]

Hah! Great one ^_^.

[Corran Antilles]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came
addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited
two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to
buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can
you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all
the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be
able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
bastards at the Post Office.

[Davin Corros]

*falls down laughing*


Gee, that's the Christmas Spirit for ya :p.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Awww. heh.

[Mischa Margolin]

LOL...that's great.

[Matheron Thayer]

Indeed, you come up with great ones, Corran! :D

[Ati Quai]

Here's a couple I dug up from old emails.

Children's Books that Didn't Make It


1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry


HILLBILLY MIRROR


After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what
it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy,
didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,
he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after
her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked
into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around
with."

WHAT'S YOUR DADDY DO?

Little David was in 4th grade when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father.

David's reply was this: "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes if the offer is really good he goes home with some guy and they do stuff that I'm not supposed to know about."

The teacher obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on another project while she took little David aside to ask him, "Is that REALLY true about your father?"

"No," said little David, "he works for the Democrat National Committee to elect Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids..."

[Corran Antilles]

Your nightmares are real... I'm sure that book has sweet illustrations.

[Matheron Thayer]

Love your last one, Ati.

Yet it also leads me into undreamt-of dimensions of paranoia.

[Jerva Kutac]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ..another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more
thing ..
... "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt."

[Corran Antilles]

I love it. *g*

[Corran Antilles]

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

[Matheron Thayer]

-laughs- Too true.

[Corran Antilles]

One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

[Jerva Kutac]

Four guys have been golfing together for years. Throughout the years, they have discussed various aspects of their lives, with one exception: they never talk about their sons. This is because one of the men has a son who is a flaming, out-of-the-closet homosexual, and the other men don't want to make him feel bad.

One week, however, the man with the gay son is late to the country club, so the other three are sitting around the table and inevitably start talking about their sons.

"My son the Mercedes salesman," says one, "has been doing so well lately that last week, he tells me, he GAVE a friend of his a brand new Benz!"

"Ah, that's nothing," says the second one, "My son, the marina owner, has been so successful lately that last week he gave one of his friends a brand new speedboat!"

"MY son," says the third, "has done so exceptionally well in the real estate market, that last week he gave a friend of his a whole HOUSE!"

Just then the fourth man walks in and says, "You know, I never thought my son would amount to anything. But then, just last week, his three lovers gave him a new Mercedes, a speedboat and a house!"

***

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.


The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish .. each person is only allowed one!"


The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."


"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

***

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite."

***

Applied Logic: Women
Author Unknown

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,

I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not

[Samantha Koortyn]

Heh. :]

[Corran Antilles]

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

[Val'kia Navin]

That's good one. :D

[Val'kia Navin]

Courtesy of my 11-year old


Two caskets are in room that starts filling up with carbon monoxide.

One casket turns to the other and asks, "Is that you coffin?"

[Han Antilles]

:smack

[Val'kia Navin]

Hey what do you expect, he's eleven.

I thought it was funny, but then I tend to laugh at most of his jokes because he's my kid.

[Samantha Koortyn]

I liked it :]

[Val'kia Navin]

Thanks, Sam. He'll be happy to know that.

[Corran Antilles]

I had to look up what casket mean. But not it makes sense to me *g* It's cute.

[Tacita Darklighter]

A joke for your son:

Two muffins are sitting in an oven.

The first muffin says to the second muffin, "Is it getting hot in here?"

The second muffin says, "Oh my God, a talking muffin!"

[Val'kia Navin]

HA! He'll love that one.

[Tacita Darklighter]

Here's another one I like:

A guy walks into a pet store and wants an unusual pet. So the man sells him a caterpillar.

The guy takes his caterpillar home, changes clothes, then decides to try to bond with his caterpillar by taking him out for a drink. "Would you like to go down to Chet's for a beer with me?" he asks the caterpillar. No reply.

He repeats, louder, "Would you like to go down to Chet's for a beer with me, caterpillar?" Nothing.

He yells into the box, "HEY, YOU WANT TO GO TO CHET'S FOR A BEER WITH ME?"

The annoyed caterpillar replies, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[Val'kia Navin]

I swear I almost choked on my tea reading that one. I've got to tell him those when I pick him up in a few.

[Corran Antilles]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[Matheron Thayer]

Cool. Like all of them, and the coffin one's great! I pictured it like part of a movie in which two kid's exchange their favourite jokes -- and you imagine a good lot about the parents' occupation while never having seen them.

[Catharin Thayer]

Haha! I love that blonde joke, that's funny. :D

[Jerva Kutac]

That blond joke is <s>so much like my sister</s> funny.

[Jerva Kutac]

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.

"I am a dope," whispered Reggie.

[Corran Antilles]

Lol

[Jerva Kutac]

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

It made me laugh.

[Matheron Thayer]

-laughs- Dumb enough for me.

[Corran Antilles]

ROFL That's a great one

[Davin Corros]

Corran, where on earth do you get those jokes? Heh. They're killer.


Jerva... *snicker* I guess I don't have to ask where yours come from :p.

[Corran Antilles]

Hear or find them here and there.

[Traven Dunn]

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?". Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign. "

[Samantha Koortyn]

Heh, that's good.

[Corran Antilles]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

[Matheron Thayer]

Wasn't this joke in this month's Playboy? Tsk, tsk, tsk, balancer -- I'd never read such publications.

[Corran Antilles]

Well, I didn't know that. So how do you know...?

[Matheron Thayer]

Uh.. er.. a friend told me?

[Corran Antilles]

Traven?

[Matheron Thayer]

No. The other.

[Jordan Lane]

The other, sir?

[Han Antilles]

Yes, me.

And it was Flyboy, not Playboy.

[Jordan Lane]

I am disinclined to believe that, Antilles, given your track record.

[Han Antilles]

Huh?

Sorry, I was too busy staring at that beautiful ass of yours. :D

[Jordan Lane]

I really need to hit you. -punch-

[Han Antilles]

*rubs his arm but keeps staring*

[Corran Antilles]

Is my sister not good enough anymore? *crosses arms*

[Jordan Lane]

What the frell is there to stare at, Antilles? I am fully clothed.

[Samantha Koortyn]

*hits him somewhere harder*

[Cyan Madine]

Good for you!

[Val'kia Navin]

Get him, Sam.

[Michael Askrima]

You go girl!

...what?

[Han Antilles]

Dayum. Sam can hit.

[Jerva Kutac]

Whats the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones say “Hey! You! Get off of my cloud” and the Scotsman says “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe”

[Val'kia Navin]

Hey, watch the jokes about the Scots mister! :p


But I can admit that's funny.

[Jerva Kutac]

Q: What did the Seattle native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
A: Nice tan.

[Leto Tariq]

:smack

[Jerva Kutac]

It's true though. :p

[Samantha Koortyn]

I don't know, I'm pretty pale.

[Matheron Thayer]

Pretty's the key in that one. -grins, looks for possible cover-

[Jerva Kutac]

It's not that I don't want to make fun of Californians... :p

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application:

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___


Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)


Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead


Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop


Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____


Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____


Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________


What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more


TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)


In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window on your left.

[Corran Antilles]

A husband got in big trouble after his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him the day before: "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

[Ati Quai]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered;

"Bet you're sorry you had me de-sexed."

[Davin Corros]

HAH!

Hahahahahahaha!

[Samantha Koortyn]

Ha, brilliant.

[Corran Antilles]

Nice one *g*

[Traven Dunn]

Stock Market Investment tips for 2006

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

[Davin Corros]

:lol

HAH! Man those are good... I love the eigth one.

[Jerva Kutac]

Idiots

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature of the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

[Samantha Koortyn]

I don't know if this is true or not but I heard about a woman who was trying to send a confidential fax, but only a blank page would come out the receiving end. They finally figured out that she was folding the piece of paper in half.

[Val'kia Navin]

*facepalm*

[Matheron Thayer]

Sweet. Now that is, really, sweet. Hasn't she a marvellous, innocent mind?

Just why comes now my nasty grin?

[Cyan Madine]

Oh geez.

[Samantha Koortyn]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[Corran Antilles]

Lol

[Jerva Kutac]

Rofl!

[Corran Antilles]

Three men were sitting together recounting how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.


The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married an Irish girl.

He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

[Samantha Koortyn]

Ha.

[Matheron Thayer]

Strike!

[Cyan Madine]

Scary. A version of that same joke was on this week's jokes list by the mirror in the bathroom on my floor. o.O

[Corran Antilles]

Squadron bathroom? ;)

[Cyan Madine]

Uh, no. =P

[Val'kia Navin]

Damn right! An Irish girl wouldn't take that. ;)

[Samantha Koortyn]

I think I'm part Irish on my father's side...

[Davin Corros]

I think I'm supposed to be part Irish too, on my mom's side...

Of course, then again, I'm not a woman. Unless you believe those dumb online quizzes :glance. Which no one does.

...

Right?

*feels insecure*

[Samantha Koortyn]

Of course we believe you, Davin.

[Matheron Thayer]

Suir. What you say is canon!

[Corran Antilles]

A new young monk arrives at the monastery and as with all new monks he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.


He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R"! "We forgot the "R"! "We forgot the "R"! "We forgot the "R"!

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate!"

[Matheron Thayer]

-laughs boisterously- I love it Cougar. You see, we knew it all the way.

[Samantha Koortyn]

WARNING: I am evil.

There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot.

When they got to the top of the tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound.

After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before.

When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try. The preacher just nodes his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again.

By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died.

When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kid's name.

The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."

[Corran Antilles]

*snickers*

[Davin Corros]

HAH!

<.< >.>

That... wasn't funny, Sam. No, no... not... at all. Tehe.

[Cyan Madine]

Poor kid got defenestrated by a bell.

[Corran Antilles]

LOL Good one, Cyan

[Samantha Koortyn]

That is one of my favorite words. Defenestrate. I need to use it in a post.

[Cyan Madine]

Me too. I love love love that word. Especially since no one ever thinks of its actual definition when they first hear it 'cause it looks so odd.

[Matheron Thayer]

Unless you have Latin in the back of your head somewhere. Then you immediately think of window.. and wonder whether you can create more such words.. taking the Latin stem and a denying de in front.

[Cyan Madine]

*facepalm* Now there's a dangerous weapon lying in Thayer's hands... =P

(Of course, I thought of the Latin too, but didn't want to mention it 'cause... well... too late for that now, ain't it? Hehe.)

[Samantha Koortyn]

I learned it from French actually and figured out the de- part :]

[Cyan Madine]

From fenêtre? =)

[Samantha Koortyn]

Yep, and knowing the little ^ means "s". :]

[Matheron Thayer]

*facepalm* Now there's a dangerous weapon lying in Thayer's hands... =POh yes, and as usual nothing clean may spring from it.. -rubs stubble- why, not when floris is the first that comes to mind. Ok, Cyan, it is too late.. though mefears morning won't make me any more appropriate.

[Traven Dunn]

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him; and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from; so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children.

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Holy Crap" he says, "are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped me with some wet celery?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

[Davin Corros]

Busted!!!! Hehehehe :D

[Cyan Madine]

*facepalm*

[Corran Antilles]

How To Tell If A Redneck Is Working In Your Office

10. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

9. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.

8. The password is "bubba."

7. Windows XP has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

6. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.

5. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.

4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

3. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.

2. The monitor is up on blocks.

1. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

[Cyan Madine]

*facepalm*

[Jerva Kutac]

Dammit. My computer doesn't even have a gun rack.

And for the record, it's Beech Nut in the CD drive. :p

[Darth Sivan]

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

[Matheron Thayer]

-laughs- Good one, Sivan.


To friends meet each other again after a long time.

"So how you're doing?"

"Well, allright, I'm in the middle of divorce proceedings."

"Why that?"

"My wife complained we had no sex for 6 months."

"And for that you're now getting a divorce?"

"No, not therefore. Yet I answered her: 'Well, you maybe.'"

[Cyan Madine]

*facepalm* Ouch.

[Corran Antilles]

Good ones *g*

[Corran Antilles]

A man goes on vacation. In the afternoon he notices that nobody is in the hotel anymore, but that there is a big crowd at the pool. As he arrives there, he can see that everybody jumps into the pool like crazy. Another guest tells him: "Didn't they tell you that the hotel has a magic pool? You have to wish aloud with that it shall be filled and it happens!" With these words he starts running, shouts: "Champagne!" and lands in a pool full of champagne. Then a second guy runs, shouts "Beer!" and lands in a pool full of beer.

The man is amazed and excited. He rips off his clothes, runs towards the pool, but slips, shouting: "Shit!"

[Matheron Thayer]

-bites tongue not to second that..ergo.. pool empty.. ouch!-

[Cyan Madine]

Oh geez...

[Val'kia Navin]

Ha! Just told that at work to an enthusiatic response.