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220
Cay's Personal Notes
Careful, they call me "Spice" for a lot of reasons.
Journal by: Cayenne Rudal
Replies: 4
Views: 7403

 

Corbin's platonic drinking buddy 11-07-2005 01:38 AM
 
So. Exploded after the memorial service today, though that didn't surprise the veteran 'Rats. Spooked the newbies, though. Oh, well. They might as well be exposed to me sooner rather than later.

Cap'n's not happy. Not that anyone in his boat would be. Ship, rather. Whatever. This is my frelling journal thingymajig. Anyway.

Went to the gym to work off frustration and saw the Cap'n and Mischa sparring. Easy to say that he was the worse for wear when they were done. Maybe I should bring out that bottle of Whyren's Reserve for-- no, that would be idiocy. I'll keep that to myself for now.

Oh, that's just great. Just great. We're being called together for a briefing. This can't be good. What in space could be going wrong now? I'd better scoot before the Cap'n drags me there.
Article Closed

 

Corbin's platonic drinking buddyCayenne Rudal
02-22-2006 11:58 PM
So, yeah. Lotsa stuff's happened since the last time I's able to post in here. We lost some damn good pilots. And then two more without them even getting into the air. It was bad enough to lose the first four. That battle was tough, and unexpected. Where'd that fleet come from, anyway? I really want to kick some Imperial arse right now, but that time will come later. I hope. If I don't get myself killed first.

But the other two. Harris and Tessari. Stupid bar fight knocked 'em out for good. Almost got Furball toasted too, but he's strong, even for a Wookiee - he'll pull through. No, the one I can't get out of my head is Tessari. Tessari. The one who could still be alive if not for me, for my interference, my sudden urge to jump in and try to help Chanc. I don't even know if I was of any use.

That idiot got off a shot. More than one, but only that single bolt will be forever imprinted on my memory. He made a move on me, I resisted, hurt him, he started firing, and bam. Tessari was gone. That droid's armor managed to deflect one bolt - that one frakking bolt - and he caught it full in the face. The damage alone was enough to make one sick. But knowing I caused it... that it was my fault... that just made it worse. A hundred times worse.

So some of the 'Rats may have wondered why I've been all weird and listless-like lately. If the same thing had happened to them, if they'd been as stupid as I was, they would have reacted like this too.

At the funeral, I had nothing to say. I didn't know what to say. How could I tell anyone that it was my fault that we lost a pilot we practically never had?

I need to get over this somehow. There's too many of us being all melancholy in the squad. Especially... well, I don't want to talk about that right now. I'd like to tell Leto I'll be there for him if he needs me, but somehow this is the wrong time for this... somehow...

Cay, stop thinking about it, stop being wistful, wishful, anything like that.

So we're being shipped back planetside - some of us, the ones who weren't sent on a mission... wait, does the Admiral know? Does she know what I did, somehow? Is that why I wasn't sent - 'cause she can't trust me any more?

I'm a 'Rat. We're a bunch of screw-ups. Good screw-ups, to still be alive, but screw-ups all the same. But I went too far this time. And if she knows... if anyone knows...

Who knows where I'll be then.

 

Corbin's platonic drinking buddyCayenne Rudal
04-25-2006 02:52 AM
Hehe, I'm so evil. It's more fun this way. I loaded Belle's 'fresher head with paint powder tonight, so the next time she showers she'll go from blue to yellow. Or maybe it'll turn out green; I dunno. I hope she doesn't hate me too much...

Thought about Bounder again tonight, which was frakkin' stupid. I'll get over him someday. I have to.

I wonder who I bunk with, if anyone. People have been moving in and out like crazy with shoreleave and reorganizing going on. Some of the 'Rats are off on a mission, something I know little about, and the rest of us are just trying to stay in good fighting shape.

I just hope Cap'n can keep me busy enough to keep my mind off things. Off death, and my role in it. Today was good; I laughed a lot and had some fun for a change. It's not enough to make everything better, but it's a start.

Maybe this way I can stop being a pathetic ball of angst and actually be a positive contributor for a change... eh, who am I kidding. I'm Spice, the crazy, hot-tempered, and noisy-at-times one. As if I'll ever--

Okay, I need to stop this negative train of thought now. Time to sleep.

 

Corbin's platonic drinking buddyCayenne Rudal
07-19-2007 03:22 AM
So much has happened since I last typed in here. When everything happened, I couldn't sit down and write. It hurt too much. So many changes...

I can't believe what's happened recently. I really can't. No matter how many times I think about it, no matter how many times I remember those injuries, I cannot get it through my thick skull that Chanc is gone. Seriously, how crazy is that? He's always been around. How can he not be any more?

And the Admiral. She's gone. We're gonna go get her. Not supposed to, but we will. Will we all come back? I don't know. I never do. I promised myself I'd shape up, do as much as I could to avoid more losses, be more responsible, act like I deserved the rank I have...

And what did I do? I pulled a stereotypical Spice move and jumped into a fight. Between us and some idiot grunts. They were ganging up on Stone, damn it! I refuse to allow any of their kind to beat up on one of our own just for the hell of it!

Okay, I'm breathing again, really. Maggie's good-natured comment afterward, after the medbay visit and the lecture and everything, made me laugh, though. Said I don't fight like a girl. Fierce, or something like that. What a kid. Still surprised he opened up like that, though. I didn't think he had it in him.

But, yeah. Strange thing happened. Despite all of the bad stuff that's gone on these last few days, I had fun today. I've never painted my bird before. Let me tell you, I'm no artist. My pseudo-pirate sketches turned out horribly! One of the new guys - a wise guy, which is pretty much his callsign - nearly ruined it. (I wouldn't admit it too readily, but I think it improved greatly from his "mistake".) And being able to joke around with someone in the squad again... it felt good. Refreshing. Like I was alive again.

Damn, it's almost time. I'll never hear the end of it from Spit, or anyone else, if I'm late.

 

Corbin's platonic drinking buddyCayenne Rudal
04-06-2013 01:30 PM
Okay, whoa. Was I seriously that bad back then? I know this is my own journal, but damn.

I'm tempted to just delete these old frakked up entries, but it wouldn't hurt to leave them as a reminder to myself of what not to be like as a Rogue.

Out with the emo Cay, in with the spicy Rogue version.

I don't care what people think of me. Not in the sense that "oh I'll do what the frak I want," but more like "I'm going to show them I deserve to be here, and if they don't like it, they know where they can shove it." I'm going to be me. I'm going to crack the jokes I feel like cracking, say the things that need to be said, and do everything in my power to support Misch -- and thus Captain Antilles' choice of XO -- and make this a cohesive squad instead of the rough conglomeration it feels like right now. And I'll have a hell of a lot of fun in the process.

I know some of the Rogues already, which is awesome and weird. It felt damn good to fly with Pixy again and meet Princess. Still giggling over that pair of callsigns. A little worried over her outburst at the end there, but we'll set her right. Don't have a read on Roch yet -- she doesn't even have a frakkin' callsign! -- but she led a good sim, even if it wasn't what I'd originally wanted. Ghost... is still pretty ghost-like to me.

Still have to meet the rest of them.

Hey, that gives me an idea. Time to roll up my sleeves and exercise my atrophied baking muscles. Yes, I said baking muscles. If you're reading this and you're not me, deal with it. *grins* Unless you're a cretin who hates sweets, you'll like the results. Now to cozy up to a mess cook or two...

 

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